


An Accident

by AshsHorrorShow



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Accidents, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Broken Bones, Established Relationship, Fluff, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Secret Relationship, Serious Injuries, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 08:09:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14733197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshsHorrorShow/pseuds/AshsHorrorShow
Summary: An accident causes Shizuo to question himself and his relationship with Izaya.





	An Accident

It had been an accident. 

Izaya and him had been bickering about something. He forgot what it had been. It had probably been something very inane. However, unlike in the past, their arguing wasn’t filled with anger and spite. No, the atmosphere had been light and joking as they traded off comebacks that had no real bite to them. 

Izaya had quipped out some smartass comment to something Shizuo said, as per usual, and in response, Shizuo had moved his hand to give Izaya a playful shove. He had expected Izaya to nimbly duck or dodge his hand, like he always did. However, Izaya, who’d been typing something on his phone at the time, must have not been paying as much as attention as he usually did, as this time, he actually seemed to have caught the flea off-guard. 

The flea had swayed off-balancedly like a drunk, desperately trying to rebalance himself, but by then, it was too late. He was stumbling sideways, his head careening right towards the glass coffee table he had in the middle of his apartment. While Shizuo knew that Izaya was surprisingly durable, especially given how small he was, he imagined that falling and smashing through that table would do Izaya quite a bit of damage.

Panic taking over, Shizuo had immediately reached forward and grabbed the flea’s arm. It had been reflex, practically immediate. However, in his rush to pull Izaya back towards him, he hadn’t been worried about trying to control his strength. He had squeezed with just a tiny bit of pressure and-

Shizuo swallowed thickly at the memory. He remembered feeling the bones in Izaya’s arm snap like a toothpick, followed by the sickening crunch sound they had made, which was almost covered by an involuntary yelp of pain from Izaya. 

The last sound in particular made Shizuo’s stomach clench with guilt. Never, in all the years he and Izaya had known each other, had he ever heard the flea let out a cry of pain. He’d heard hisses of pain and seen a few eye winces, but the flea had never once made a real noise. The flea’s pride wouldn’t allow him to do that. But this one must have caught them both off-guard and Izaya couldn’t hold the sound back before it came out. Shizuo couldn’t help but wonder how bad it had to hurt for that to be the case.

The second it happened, he had immediately released Izaya, jerking back like he had been burned. Izaya stumbled to the floor, thankfully away from the glass coffee table, though still, falling in a graceless heap after having his arm snapped in half probably hadn’t felt good either. The flea almost immediately was trying to get back to his feet, clutching his broken arm in his good one, teeth clenched.

It was then Shizuo managed to get control of himself again. He had immediately knelt down to try and pick Izaya back up, hurriedly saying, “Oh god, Izaya, I didn’t mean to, I-”

However, when he reached down to help Izaya, he saw the flea flinch a bit and for a split second, a flash of fear flickered through Izaya’s vermillion-red eyes. It was gone within a fraction of a section, but he had saw it. Shizuo had immediately stopped moving forward, guilt tearing him even more. He continued to spill apologies as Izaya, with somewhat wobbly knees, managed to pull himself off of the floor.

After Izaya managed to do that, he had simply given Shizuo a small smirk, which had probably been meant to lighten the mood a tad, but the pain still flickering the flea’s gaze kind of ruined it. Voice steady and only wavering a tad, Izaya had said, “”Would you mind calling me a cab? I need to get to Shinra’s. I’ll call him in there.”

Shizuo had nodded immediately and had done so, watching Izaya anxiously as the flea calmly put on his shoes to go out. 

Shizuo had offered to call Shinra as well, and to go with the flea, but Izaya had shaken his head.His reasoning for why not had been sound. They still hadn’t gotten around to telling anyone about their relationship yet, and Shizuo worriedly bringing Izaya to Shinra’s to be patched up would be awfully out of character of the public persona they had created for themselves. However, even despite the logic, Shizuo couldn’t help but think there was something more to it. That Izaya simply didn’t want to look at him at the moment. Not that Shizuo blamed but it still ripped at Shizuo’s insides nonetheless.

Izaya had eventually left to go, probably telling Shinra that he had gotten in a fight of some kind or had fallen or something, leaving Shizuo waiting for him alone in the apartment, not knowing what to do. He knew he should’ve probably busied himself with a task of some kind. Make himself something to eat, watch television, try to nap, go take a walk, but he couldn’t bring himself to work up the energy to do so. What tasks he did try, he found himself distracted, remembering phantom screams and snaps. So in the end, he just sat Izaya’s posh couch and awaited the flea’s arrival, feeling like the violent monster everyone thought of him to be. 

He had almost thought Izaya would send the cab to one of his other secret apartments and spend the night away from Shizuo, but to his surprise, Izaya later pinged him that night, saying to help carry him upstairs as he was still high from painkillers and anaesthetic. Shizuo had done so and Izaya had almost immediately wandered to his bed and fell asleep for the rest of the day, leaving Shizuo to the torture of his own thoughts.

Right before his eyelids had slid shut, Izaya had decided to reply to him tiredly, murmuring, “It was alright, Shizu-chan, I know it was an accident.”

It had been. But that didn’t make Shizuo feel any better. He could only think about the cry of pain and the flash of fear he saw. 

He had always thought he was good at regulating his strength. When he wasn’t angry, anyway. It had been difficult when he was a kid. He would always accidentally hold things too tight, causing them to shatter, even though he swore he was holding them normally. 

Eventually though, he learned the correct way to hold things so they didn’t smash, break, or shatter. He learned how much pressure he had to put in for him to actually cause damage. He knew how to control himself. He used to have to think about it, but now it was basically autopilot.

Or at least he thought, until that day. 

He knew kind of what to blame his lapse in control on. It was the feeling of panic that had taken over when he had seen Izaya was about to fall. If there was one thing he was a slave to, it was his emotions. The moment his emotions went crazy, his control in strength became looser and looser. 

It was part of the reason why he hated getting angry. When he was angry, his mind wasn’t even trying to control his strength. All it wanted was to try and use his strength to hurt something or someone. To smash, to destroy, to snap, and in the case of Izaya in the past, to kill.

The thought made him dizzy. 

He was always frightened of getting angry in this relationship. Whenever he and Izaya got into an argument of some sort, and he could feel the beginnings of his anger boiling to the surface, he did his best to try and get out of the apartment for a while, but sometimes that wasn’t always viable or practical. Sometimes he would be forced to stay, and the flea, always the instigator, never helped matters when that was the case He would always just keep pushing and pushing, continuing to jab at Shizuo verbally, until Shizuo snapped. 

Thankfully, as mentioned before, Shizuo could usually get out of the apartment before then, where he would wander into a field where he could smash up whatever he wanted until he wasn’t frustrated anymore, or at the very least, too exhausted to do much else.

However, whenever he _couldn’t_ do that is when things got dangerous. It usually resulted in something in one of their apartments getting destroyed as he tried to hit Izaya with it, with the flea usually tearing off to God knows where. It wasn’t too different from their usual chases, but Shizuo couldn’t help but wonder about what would happen if Izaya didn’t get out in time or run fast enough. What would happen then?

He also remembered with sickening horror when Izaya had gotten him so worked up that he punched the wall right near Izaya. The flea had flinched at the close proximity of the fist, but he had just stared at Shizuo with a passive glare, before taking his leave, knowing that things were starting to get dangerous. Shizuo thought back to that moment and wondered what if he lost his control and actually had smashed Izaya in the face right then and there? The thought made him want to vomit. 

These were the thoughts that haunted him sometimes. 

But now, after this incident, he was starting to wonder if it was only his anger he should worry about. Perhaps he should worry about his strength in general.

He began thinking of more and more incidents that could possibly happen in the future. Izaya and him liked to spoon or cuddle in bed. What if one night, he had a particularly bad dream, and in a state of unconsciousness, he began to squeeze too hard. What if he didn’t hear the screams of pain until Izaya’s ribs were all shattered like glass and his spine snapped? 

What if during a night of sex, he got too lost in the moment and snapped one of Izaya’s bones?

What if what happened that day just happened over and over and over again? 

The look of fear that had came on the flea’s face at that moment suggested that he had thought of some of these things, if not all of them, before. 

And what kind of relationship was that? One where the one party had to worry about not hurting the other and the other having to constantly worry about being hurt, or at the very least wary?

Shizuo didn’t know. He found himself wishing for the umpteen-millionth time in his life that he had been born normal. That he wasn’t a monster who just became blinded with rage and destroyed everything in its wake. But wishing wasn’t going to change anything. Unless a miracle happened, he was going to be plagued with this curse for the rest of his life, and he had to think responsibly.

There was a somewhat obvious choice floating around in the back of his mind, and that was simply to break up with Izaya. If he couldn’t control himself, then Izaya was in danger at all moments, and the flea did not help matters by instigating at times. It would be hard, but it would be safer for the flea in the long run. And who knows? Maybe if someday, Shizuo ever did learn to control his strength, maybe he and the flea could try again.

That was, if the flea ever forgave him, which he doubted would be the case. The bastard could hold quite the grudge when he wanted to. 

But, even despite that logic, Shizuo found himself reluctant to do that. He liked the relationship he had developed with Izaya, which still felt weird to think about. What had once been the two of them wanting to see the other dead went to some casual fucks every now and then to a full-blown, actual relationship. It still was jarring, but Shizuo actually liked the direction it went. He liked being with Izaya. He liked seeing them. Sure, the flea could still be a cruel, rotten asshole every now and again, and he still could make Shizuo angrier than anyone else, but he was also smart, witty, funny, handsome, and energetic. 

He made Shizuo feel happy. Back in the day, after work, the only thing he had to look forward to was an empty apartment. With Izaya around now, he had someone he could talk to or mess around with or go places with. The flea always seemed to have a conversation ready for him whenever he came back, and sometimes, it seemed Izaya knew him better than he knew himself.

And he assumed that the flea liked him back, at least to a degree. Izaya did not seem like the type who would force himself to be with anyone else he particularly hated. So, the fact that Shizuo was still even allowed to come over was probably a good sign. 

He didn’t want what they had developed after so many years of bad blood to end just like that. It would break his heart. It might possibly even break Izaya’s. 

But like he mentioned before, if he was going to make this work, he had to learn to control his strength better, which was easier said than done. He had tried before to control his temper in many different ways. He tried taking pills, he tried anger management classes, and he even attended therapy sessions, but none of them had worked in the slightest. His rage was not like everyone else’s, and even if it was, he still had his strength to battle with. 

He could try to be hyper-aware of it at all times, but that would be hard to keep consistent and he imagined, with his job, it would be difficult trying to act like everything was made of gossamer thread. 

The more possibilities he thought of, the more depressed he got, as none of them seemed like they would be practical or viable. In the meantime, he was shamefully avoiding Izaya as much as possible. He kept taking extra hours at work, he kept his conversations clipped in the hopes Izaya would get bored and leave him alone, and he tried to not look at the flea as often as possible, to avoid looking at the cast Izaya had over his arm and to avoid the guilt. When Izaya kissed him, he would kiss back, but he kept his hands to himself and didn’t allow it to go further. 

He tried to be subtle about all of this, hoping the flea simply wouldn’t notice, but as the two of them were laying together in bed one night, he heard the flea say, “I am the one who has the broken arm here. If anyone should be sulking, it is me, not you.”

Shizuo winced. However, wanting to avoid the conversation, he decided to play dumb. Grumbling, he said, “I am not sulking.”

He suddenly felt Izaya shifting and pressing against his back, craning his head to try and look at Shizuo in the face. Poking Shizuo’s cheek, he said, “Yes, you are. You have been cold to me since the accident, which I don’t even understand because I didn’t even get mad at you.”

Shizuo batted the finger poking him in the cheek away hurriedly with a growl, disappointed that he couldn’t play subtlety off as well as he thought. Acting had always been Izaya’s strong suit, not his. 

He couldn’t see Izaya’s face at the moment, but he could guess the flea was pouting somewhat. He was hoping the flea would just grunt and let him mope, but that wouldn’t be annoying enough, now would it? So instead, Izaya just leaned forward more so that he was practically draped over Shizuo like a shitty blanket as he said, “What’s wrong, Shizu-chan? Usually you solve problems by punching them. It’s not like you to be so gloomy.”

Shizuo growled once more and tried to get Izaya off, insisting, “It’s nothing, flea. Just feeling weird. Go to sleep.”

“You really are a protozoan if you think that I am going to go to sleep after that shoddy explanation,” Izaya said, simply clinging tighter to Shizuo and dodging Shizuo’s hand. “Now, tell me why you’ve been afraid of me.”

Shizuo threw a glare back at Izaya and snapped, “You do know you are the most obnoxious person on the planet, right?”

Izaya grinned at him and said, “Thanks for the compliment. Now tell me what’s wrong. I am not going to go to sleep until you do.”

Shizuo believed that threat too. He knew Izaya could pull all-nighters with ease and he could be annoying with even more ease than that. Besides, what Izaya had said earlier bothered him. It was coated with a light-hearted playfulness, but Shizuo could hear the underlying concern and anxiety underneath it. So, sighing, and giving up, he said, “Get off of me, and I will tell you.”

To his surprise, Izaya actually complied. He thought the flea would decide he liked clinging onto Shizuo and leeching his warmth like always just to annoy Shizuo even more, but Izaya peeled off of him and sat up, waiting for Shizuo to do the same. Feeling Izaya’s red eyes watching him questioningly now, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. This was going to be awkward.

“First of all, I am not afraid of you-” he started. 

Izaya interrupted with a snort, “That’s a mistake.”

Shizuo felt a stab of annoyance. “Do you want to hear me out or not?”

Izaya immediately said a quick “Sorry” and mimed zipping his lips closed.

Once Shizuo was sure that he wasn’t going to have his first sentence interrupted at the very least, he continued on, “As I was saying, I am not afraid of you. It’s the exact opposite. I am afraid of myself. Namely, myself when I am around you.”

He saw Izaya’s eyes flicker with interest at this, but thankfully, the flea still remained quiet, which made it easier for Shizuo to spill out the words that followed. He said all of his worries from the past few days. As he was speaking, he was still baffled at how weird this felt. Years ago, he would’ve sooner cut off his tongue than open up any of his vulnerabilities willingly to Izaya. But now here he was, laying his heart out in the open for Izaya to do what he pleased with. He could only hope the flea wouldn’t be cruel. 

“I just… I don’t want to hurt you. On accident, in a fit of rage, on purpose, for anything. You…” He swallowed. Part of him wanted to just let the sentence dropped there, but he decided to spit it out while he still had some nerve let in his body. “You mean a lot to me, now.” 

For a while, after he let that last sentence hang in the air, it was uncomfortably silent for a moment. Shizuo found himself tensing for a moment. Izaya was almost always immediate with responses in conversations, but now the flea looked like he was mulling something over his mind. He didn’t look like he was disgusted or anything, but Shizuo knew Izaya was good at guarding his emotions.

All of a sudden, Izaya flashed him a small smirk as he said, “It baffles me sometimes how dumb you can be, Shizu-chan.”

Immediately a wave of defensiveness and anger came over Shizuo as he gave the flea a dirty look, wanting to protest. He had opened himself up, said his worries, and the bastard had the gall to mock him? But before he could open his mouth to say something caustic back, Izaya suddenly scooted up in front of him and pressed his forehead against Shizuo’s, saying, “After all these years, do you really think so little of me that I hadn’t thought of stuff like this before I even approached you all of those years ago to have sex?”

Shizuo looked into the flea’s eyes for a moment, before swallowing and saying, “I am sure you did but-”

“But nothing. I knew going in that something like this was part of the risk. But to be honest, even now, I really don’t care.” When Shizuo just looked at him, Izaya smirked even more and said, “Why? Cause I trust you.”

“Trust me?” 

“Yeah,” Izaya said with a shrug, now backing up. “The fact that you’re even worried about this in the first place shows me that you care and would never intentionally hurt me.”

“But even if I don’t do it intentionally, I could still do it when I am angry and lose control-” Shizuo hurried out, baffled by how nonplussed Izaya seemed about all of this. He had been agonizing about this for a week now and the flea was just acting like this was a casual, no big-deal thing. 

“And I will be able to handle myself when you get angry, just like I have hundreds, if not thousands times before,” Izaya said, “Don’t think that just because I tolerate you every now and then that I’ve suddenly gone soft. What happened then was a once in a lifetime event, and if you think I am going to let you get rid of me after something as stupid as that, then you are sorely mistaken, Shizu-chan.”

Shizuo was silent for a moment, before he murmured in a voice so low he was sure Izaya would have to strain to hear him, “I don’t want you to be afraid of me.”

“The only one who is afraid of anyone or anything here is you, Shizu-chan. I don’t know what you thought you saw in my eyes then, but I assure you, if what you saw was indeed fear, then it was only an in the moment thing. I mean, I was kind of focused on the fact that I had not only fallen, but my arm had suddenly snapped. I think anyone would slightly panic in that moment,” Izaya said, before adding, “Except someone like me, of course.” 

Shizuo resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the last comment. 

Shizuo was silent as he absorbed Izaya’s words, still not feeling fully convinced. Apparently, Izaya could sense that, as the informant let out a huff of frustration. Leaning in again, his lips barely a centimeter away from Shizuo’s, he said, “Listen, let’s make a deal.” He reached his good hand up to cup Shizuo’s cheek. 

Shizuo blinked at the proposition. Before he could stop himself, he let himself quip out, “Is making a deal with the Devil really the smartest choice at the moment?” 

Izaya rolled his eyes. “Har har, Shizu-chan. It’s a shame you didn’t try to become a comedian with wit like that. But seriously now, let’s make a deal.”

“Okay, what is it?” Shizuo conceded, trying to resist the urge to avoid kissing those lips so close to his. 

Izaya leaned down and began pressing light kisses down Shizuo’s neck as he said, “Perhaps, if you stop belittling me and treat me like normal again, then perhaps we can address your strength. I highly doubt we can get rid of your anger fits completely or control your strength, but I am willing to help you try if you are willing. That way, we can make an effort in the right direction, and you will actually pay attention to me, again.” Pressing a kiss right on Shizuo’s jugular, he said, “Deal?”

Shizuo felt a shudder run through his spine at that, his arm looping around Izaya’s hips to drag the flea’s body closer. Eyes slowly but surely clouding with desire, he ducked his head so he could bury his nose in Izaya’s hair, growling, “You are going to kill me one day, flea.”

“That doesn’t answer my question, Shizu-chan,” Izaya said, looking up at him with annoyed eyes. 

Shizuo gazed down at the flea, his emotions a flurry within him. It wasn’t the perfect solution. Far from it. Maybe, they never could reach a perfect solution. But damn it, they could try to at the very least come close, and Izaya was willing to try it with him. 

And in a way, that did make Shizuo feel better. 

He leaned down and pressed his lips against Izaya’s in a smoldering kiss, deciding to push all of the negative feelings away for now to enjoy what he had in his hands right now.

“Deal.”

**Author's Note:**

> This didn't quite end up the way I wanted it to, but I got to admit, I've been stuck on this project, trying to fix it for a while now, and I want to move on. I hope you're satisfied with the end product anyway. 
> 
> I always wondered how Shizuo's strength and anger problems would play in this relationship. Decided to explore it. 
> 
> As always, critique is wanted, and if you see a mistake, feel free to point it out so I can fix it immediately! :3 
> 
> Have a great day!


End file.
